i realized last night after a day spent with the girl of my interest, while we sat on her porch having a cigarette after an unsuccessful bout of bed wrestling, that i didn't have an idea what i was doing there.
i tried to think of interesting things for us to do that we would both enjoy but that proved to be a difficult task. walked around outside for a bit, ate pb&j's by the water, fed ducks (who does that over the age of 10?) i thought it was be good to get out but the duration of our time out there i felt like a jackass. what am i doing? i felt as if i was forcing things. and i wondered if she was as well. while we have had fun together i don't know how compatible we are.
she wants more. certainly more than i could give her now. begging the question, am i wasting our time?
but the situation with her was not the only thing weighing on my mind. even if NOT her, then who? do i even know how to be in a relationship?
i dont know if ill ever find a person with mutual interests who i can feel completely comfortable around and not get tired of.
my idea of a romantic afternoon was eating pb&j's by a pond? granted, it sounded good in my head but she couldnt have looked less interested. but that's all i had. since leaving the location i wondered if i would ever have any more thoughtful ideas. i'm no catch. i am pretending.
i do not know what i want.
obviously i am not in the right place to be in a relationship, and i think i am only now figuring that out.
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