NEW LEAF

--just to note:

i no longer intend to waste time and energy looking for new paths into the land of relationships. i find it leaves my "blogs" a tad too melodramatic and pathetic.

besides i already know the ending to the story -- and that's me not exactly cutting it for the object of my interest. THE END

more fun, less sap.

around and around we go..

it's funny. i spend all of this time over analyzing and going over every single possibility in my head until the decision is made for me.

i wanted her, i didn't want her. i could maybe learn to want her more, i was starting to get a tad over it.

and then tonight she basically does me a favor and shuts the door entirely.

while it was happening i knew in my head i would not be terribly distraught over the situation, but at the same time i couldn't help but thing 'here goes yet another rejection, and i'm not as use to it as i well should be by now'

she is right, we wouldn't have worked out.. but her reasoning was half assed. in so many words she meant she didn't want ME. MY personality. MY companionship. MY loyalty.

i'd like to think it's her loss but it doesn't make a different. not like she would really know.

this might just be a record year for rejection for me. they're dropping like flies -- or should i say they are dropping me.

it is what it is. and that is how i must take it.

the normal nature of thigns

certain things, without a doubt, are incomparably more satisfying the first couple times around than any other :

foods

movies or music

drugs or other mind altering substances, of course

but more particularly love, or that warm feeling that accompanies it.

i've spent the better part of a year trying to remember the feeling of the latter -- in vain.

like a fool i've tried to force the warmness inside of me when i knew it would not fill me.

i havn't loved anyone save the two particular souls who have ruined me for anyone else.

[and not love, really, just a certain connection for which the words cannot be found]

i can't seem to reach the same eager side of me the way i did when i would let someone in. or perhaps no one else has been worthy... i wish it was possible to try so i could at least find out.

i find it so, now, that i do not want the prospect i have been spending time with.

i do not possess the same excitement i felt before. and i am unsure why.

it could be that we simply don't match

it isn't uncommon for people just to mesh as friends.

it could be that i am trying too hard

even now i am thinking of the matter too intently.

it could be i am forcing the situation entirely because of a feeling that i want to know again-- but can't

the notion falls on me that i will not know it again but much like the death of someone close will only hold the memory of it until it escapes my recollections entirely and i do not remember it again.

i don't know if i am doomed to feel this for the rest of my days on the ol' sphere,

or if i really am emotionally broken and cannot experience certain things anymore..

but i do know that i do not want her.

possibly. maybe. not

i realized last night after a day spent with the girl of my interest, while we sat on her porch having a cigarette after an unsuccessful bout of bed wrestling, that i didn't have an idea what i was doing there.

i tried to think of interesting things for us to do that we would both enjoy but that proved to be a difficult task. walked around outside for a bit, ate pb&j's by the water, fed ducks (who does that over the age of 10?) i thought it was be good to get out but the duration of our time out there i felt like a jackass. what am i doing? i felt as if i was forcing things. and i wondered if she was as well. while we have had fun together i don't know how compatible we are.

she wants more. certainly more than i could give her now. begging the question, am i wasting our time?

but the situation with her was not the only thing weighing on my mind. even if NOT her, then who? do i even know how to be in a relationship?

i dont know if ill ever find a person with mutual interests who i can feel completely comfortable around and not get tired of.

my idea of a romantic afternoon was eating pb&j's by a pond? granted, it sounded good in my head but she couldnt have looked less interested. but that's all i had. since leaving the location i wondered if i would ever have any more thoughtful ideas. i'm no catch. i am pretending.

i do not know what i want.

obviously i am not in the right place to be in a relationship, and i think i am only now figuring that out.

mission possible

misunderstandings are a bitch

and so, we are back on.

me and my busy worker bee who warns that she lacks adequate time and care to put into one person because of her loaded schedule. i won't say a word. ill take this opportunity to exercise maturity and let her keep pretending --for now. after-all it is still very early. this is the fun part.

as long as she is not shutting me out i consider myself in.

and i will be so in.

*notes to self: hold tongue- say the right things, give appropriate space, make sure that when i'm around she is happy. just continue to be my natural wonderful self... and in the words of rupaul off of his(her) drag contest program, "don't fuck it up!"

now if only i can get one of those job things...

i'll give it a month before she is mine and i am hers.

at least a month because that is probably as long as i can deal with not being exclusive with someone who i play "touch the naughty parts" with.

she will know me, i will know her. time will tell how we mesh.

neither far nor close

it is amazing.

the amount of time it takes a potential relationship candidate to realize i'm nothing they want to get involved with is becoming shorter with each prospect.

it's reached the point of "re-goddamned-diculousity.

am i bummed? yes.

and i torn up inside? no.

am i exhausted wasting my time trying to get to know someone to be ultimately turned down? HELL YES.

to put it quite simply, i am finished.

to elaborate...

until, if ever, i meet someone who can actually accept me for who i am equally for who i am not i don't care too much for wasting my time. even the sex isnt worth it. it only becomes cheapened when not too long after i am told nothing serious will become of our "tryst"

and person x, y, or z is not at all in the wrong for knowing what they do or do not want. i prefer someone who won't fake the funk to lead me on any further.

but are there other letters?

is it possible to meet someone who doesn't care about status?

i am nichole.

i do not have a job.

this semester i had to take a break from school.

i am currently living at home with my mother.

i am a tad of an introvert.

i have my quirks (who doesnt?)

i may sometimes drink more than i should which may be an excuse to escape.

sounds fantastic on paper, i'm sure.

but i am caring and i want to share beauty, explore different places and reach certain levels of thinking with someone on the same page.

i want to know more. i want to know everything.

i want my care and commitment to be enough.

i want to be myself.

i can be good for someone despite of my aforementioned "personality flaws"

of course they will never know.

so there goes another one. better sooner than later.

can't say i'll be getting back on the horse for a while.

having time to think about it i've concluded that being alone beats the hell out of rejection.

so with that i say, down with dating.

well, self, looks like we will be spending more time together.

i view myself as open-minded.

at the same time i realize that there are certain things that just ARE.

some music is just good music, no matter what, and one must acknowledge that. equally, some music is shitDRASTIC and one (would hope) should acknowledge that as well..

certain things are humorous as if there was a guide or code book to "humor". it's all like a math equation.

there are things that cannot be denied if you have any "taste" what-so-ever. and as an open-minded individual, if you do not have this basic "taste" then the new equation is U+me=not going to work out.

at least thats what i'll chalk up several lost relationships to. like when people say, "never trust anyone who doesn't like dogs!" it is exactly the same.

for instance:

- i recall an ex of mine who didn't find scrubs funny, however cracked up the entire episode of "tosh.0" or during any of keenan thompson's performances on saturday night live(he was funny when we were kids on nickolodeon and that is the extent of things i am afraid.) i knew during that one night of couch potato-ing that there was no hope, though we had the musical interest synched up just shy of ideally, i found myself put off and annoyed. surely enough this person was someone i failed to synch with overall. we broke up and i cant say i ever wanted to be together in the first place.. but why didnt we synch? could it have been the different sense of humor? of course.

scrubs is a hilarious show. and i believe every good show is entitled to an off season.

- or someone i once mistakenly called a friend had such disdain towards the band sublime. where do i begin? is it even necessary? sublime is undeniable. she wanted to pawn them off as some sort of "wannabe jamaican reggae whiteboy group" which to me was somewhat insulting. insinuating certain types of music are meant for certain races. ridiculous. and what she failed to realize is that they were not trying to rip odd a style, they simply incorporated it. the genre was perhaps one of their influences, and they had many. to me that is one of the reasons they are what hey became. their influences were what brought them to the point where they were able to make their own music which to me is pretty distinguishable from other bands of the sort. but her mentality when i heard some of the shit she listened to actually got my gears churning a bit. my blood to a light simmer.

(same thing goes for the doors as well as other bands i can't think of at this time in my rant that absolutely cannot be denied if you don't have retarded ears.(no time to be pc either)

these two categories are not the only ones. i would say the same thing goes for movies or even books if you want to get more "deep"

i'm not talking about a mere difference of opinion. that would be foolish.

i am talking about downright, dead on TASTE.

good or bad, take your pick and then get back to me ;)

now at the same time, there are also some things that IN good taste one can realize is not "good" but is still able to enjoy or appreciate. this is an entirely different category i only wanted to reference and not dive into, as i am currently multiple beers deep.

it seems the death of an old friend has me thinking of different relationships, past or present, that i've had in my life.

i'm not quite ready to write about the deceased friend (who by the way, not that i think about it met the music standard. he opened his mind to reel big fish when 3rd wave ska, or any wave at that, was his taste and appreciated the songs i played for his audial pleasure..) so i will save that till my thoughts are somewhat gathered.

until the next time i escape laziness' grasp,

everything i like is awesome.