foods
movies or music
drugs or other mind altering substances, of course
but more particularly love, or that warm feeling that accompanies it.
i've spent the better part of a year trying to remember the feeling of the latter -- in vain.
like a fool i've tried to force the warmness inside of me when i knew it would not fill me.
i havn't loved anyone save the two particular souls who have ruined me for anyone else.
[and not love, really, just a certain connection for which the words cannot be found]
i can't seem to reach the same eager side of me the way i did when i would let someone in. or perhaps no one else has been worthy... i wish it was possible to try so i could at least find out.
i find it so, now, that i do not want the prospect i have been spending time with.
i do not possess the same excitement i felt before. and i am unsure why.
it could be that we simply don't match
it isn't uncommon for people just to mesh as friends.
it could be that i am trying too hard
even now i am thinking of the matter too intently.
it could be i am forcing the situation entirely because of a feeling that i want to know again-- but can't
the notion falls on me that i will not know it again but much like the death of someone close will only hold the memory of it until it escapes my recollections entirely and i do not remember it again.
i don't know if i am doomed to feel this for the rest of my days on the ol' sphere,
or if i really am emotionally broken and cannot experience certain things anymore..
but i do know that i do not want her.
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