back to BS

A premier perk of leaving the state for college is getting away from the assholes of your past and starting over, expanding, and meeting new-- maybe better-- people. A perk i'm painfully missing this year being stuck at the local college. This campus claims to be diverse but i certainly haven't spotted a hint. everyone is the same in my eyes, even if they're different they are still the same in many ways. What's ironic is that around here, people, cultures, beliefs and ideals that truly promote diversity and are against the norm are shunned and disparaged. There are entirely too many small minds for my taste. 

I walk around campus and i'm forced to see the faces of all the people i detested from high school. its funny, everyone i actually got along with back then managed to escape the clutches of mediocrity (for lack of a worse term.)

 I will occasionally run into people from the church my mom goes and where i had to attend during my younger years under duress until i was older enough to put both feet down and established i would no longer allow myself to be subjected to organized religion. Alot of the judgmental youth i recognize from church are always popping up from around the corner. though i try to avoid them at all cost, they sometimes manage to sneak up on me. infact today before i entered the building where i would sit down and write this very blog, i was outside enjoying a refreshing, overdue cigarette -- that i worked up the desperation to bum off a nice,random, unsuspecting schmuck..er.. "fellow"-- and who walks right past me not saying a word? none other than a former "churchmate" who i actually use to talk to and be somewhat friends with--frendISH maybe. ah, the cold sholder. the brush off reaks of condescendtion. i guess she's too good to talk to a lowly nic fiend. but it doesnt bother me on account of i know the opinion the righteous church goers have of me couldnt get much worse.  i already know what they think of me since i stopped attending their HOLY institution and became "of this evil world". im the one who went astray. the horrible godless girl who smokes the reefer. *GASP!* i could go on but at the risk of digressing i will save it for a later time(a later blog.)

                     *ANYWHO*

i feel that living in this area, being surrounded by the people this area has produced, is damaging to my soul, to my health, to my sanity. Lately i have been overwhelmed with the feeling that i truly do not belong here. i don't "fit in", not that i want to. I know there is much more than this out there and i realize more than ever that i'll be damned if i don't explore it. i've had a taste here and there of something better whenever i visit other states, even before i was moved to this dump, and i want very badly for it to be permanent.  surely "my people" are somewhere, if not in any of the 50 states then perhaps they're in another country altogether. i just know i cant be the only person like me. there are people who would "get" me and be on the same page.

I'm going to say there is something in the water that makes everyone around here a self absorbed cunt. No one seems to understand the meaning of loyalty, or what it means to make plans, how to see things from different perspectives, how to communicate, hell, how to be a decent person let alone a decent friend. everyone i've tried to let in has screwed me over in one way or the other.  This area is even changing me. it's making me colder, more angry, more apathetic towards humankind. realizing that no matter how nice i am or how much i might try to avoid conflict its going to happen anyway or im going to get walked over, i say fuck it. im turning over a new leaf where i begin to look out for number 1, myself and myself only. im going reserve myself the right to be selfish, because i don't owe anyone around here anything. I feel like shutting everyone else out completely and implementing the actions needed to move somewhere, anywhere that feels like home.

Wish me Luck.