my advances, my cunningly maneuvered words expelled at just the right moments, my attempts to spend time together, along with any feelings i might have thought i had, were for not as it turns out. All of this because of a 5(maybe 6) year age gap between us that she cant seem to get past. If that is the true reason or simply an easy escape, i do not know. For the sake of my feelings i'm going to choose to believe her reasoning on this one.
As we Drove around town in her white (lets just say vintage) Honda, we talked; about her job, about friends, about this and that, with goofy interjections here and there. It almost threw me for a loop when i noticed the conversation take a certain turn. she began mentioning her sister and the fact that she was just a couple years younger than me and that she has friends my age and i knew she was really going there. i tried to brace myself while casually defending my case, but i don't think i could have made her see the situation any differently. It was at that moment that i began to feel as young as i know she saw me. i felt like an immature kid trying to hang with the "grown folks" which hasn't happened at that degree before. i felt stupid for having subjected her to my shameless flirtations even though she insists she doesn't mind it. Until today i almost forgot that i am 19 and how young that might seem to a 25 year old being that for a while the majority of my friends and even a couple lovers have ranged between 22-29. Until today i wasn't really conscious of anyone's age, as far as i was concerned we were all close enough. Today, however, i've been shot back down to reality. maybe i'm not as mature as i like to think.
of course it also doesn't help that the only times we've actually been around each other for more than a few minutes was while we were toking or whenever she helped me cop booze. It's been a relationship of favors pretty much minus getting to know each other. At first i thought the fact that we have been talking via internet messaging more often would be a plus for me. i thought it was perhaps the only reason i might have had a chance. i thought our conversations went pretty well until she continued talking and i began to get the vibe-- while hearing, in so many words, what she had to say about the slim to none possibility of a relationship beyond friendship between us-- that those conversations might not have been as successful as i imagined.
i don't think she was receptive to my "schtick." also, i don't think i've been opening up enough and moreso just "being funny" or talking about more shallow things like movies,tv,and music. while those are all good things to talk about, i'd like to refrain from making them the only topics i cover. i want to be more than one dimensional to her and i don't think i've displayed all i could. Perhaps that is what bugs me most. whatever the case, surprisingly its been a good amount of time since my last rejection. at least now i have something to write about.
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