rejection at it's finest, i must say.

She smoked me out and then she let me have it.

my advances, my cunningly maneuvered words expelled at just the right moments, my attempts to spend time together, along with any feelings i might have thought i had, were for not as it turns out. All of this because of a 5(maybe 6) year age gap between us that she cant seem to get past. If that is the true reason or simply an easy escape, i do not know. For the sake of my feelings i'm going to choose to believe her reasoning on this one. 

As we Drove around town in her white (lets just say vintage) Honda, we talked; about her job, about friends, about this and that, with goofy interjections here and there. It almost threw me for a loop when i noticed the conversation take a certain turn. she began mentioning her sister and the fact that she was just a couple years younger than me and that she has friends my age and i knew she was really going there. i tried to brace myself while casually defending my case, but i don't think i could have made her see the situation any differently. It was at that moment that i began to feel as young as i know she saw me. i felt like an immature kid trying to hang with the "grown folks" which hasn't happened at that degree before. i felt stupid for having subjected her to my shameless flirtations even though she insists she doesn't mind it. Until today i almost forgot that i am 19 and how young that might seem to a 25 year old being that for a while the majority of my friends and even a couple lovers have ranged between 22-29.  Until today i wasn't really conscious of anyone's age, as far as i was concerned we were all close enough. Today, however, i've been shot back down to reality. maybe i'm not as mature as i like to think.  

of course it also doesn't help that the only times we've actually been around each other for more than a few minutes was while we were toking or whenever she helped me cop booze. It's been a relationship of favors pretty much minus getting to know each other. At first i thought the fact that we have been talking via internet messaging more often would be a plus for me. i thought it was perhaps the only reason i might have had a chance. i thought our conversations  went pretty well until she continued talking and i began to get the vibe-- while hearing, in so many words, what she had to say about the slim to none possibility of a relationship beyond friendship between us-- that those conversations might not have been as successful as i imagined. 

i don't think she was receptive to my "schtick." also, i don't think i've been opening up enough and moreso just "being funny" or talking about more shallow things like movies,tv,and music. while those are all good things to talk about, i'd like to refrain from making them the only topics i cover. i want to be more than one dimensional to her and i don't think i've displayed all i could. Perhaps that is what bugs me most. whatever the case, surprisingly its been a good amount of time since my last rejection. at least now i have something to write about.

back to BS

A premier perk of leaving the state for college is getting away from the assholes of your past and starting over, expanding, and meeting new-- maybe better-- people. A perk i'm painfully missing this year being stuck at the local college. This campus claims to be diverse but i certainly haven't spotted a hint. everyone is the same in my eyes, even if they're different they are still the same in many ways. What's ironic is that around here, people, cultures, beliefs and ideals that truly promote diversity and are against the norm are shunned and disparaged. There are entirely too many small minds for my taste. 

I walk around campus and i'm forced to see the faces of all the people i detested from high school. its funny, everyone i actually got along with back then managed to escape the clutches of mediocrity (for lack of a worse term.)

 I will occasionally run into people from the church my mom goes and where i had to attend during my younger years under duress until i was older enough to put both feet down and established i would no longer allow myself to be subjected to organized religion. Alot of the judgmental youth i recognize from church are always popping up from around the corner. though i try to avoid them at all cost, they sometimes manage to sneak up on me. infact today before i entered the building where i would sit down and write this very blog, i was outside enjoying a refreshing, overdue cigarette -- that i worked up the desperation to bum off a nice,random, unsuspecting schmuck..er.. "fellow"-- and who walks right past me not saying a word? none other than a former "churchmate" who i actually use to talk to and be somewhat friends with--frendISH maybe. ah, the cold sholder. the brush off reaks of condescendtion. i guess she's too good to talk to a lowly nic fiend. but it doesnt bother me on account of i know the opinion the righteous church goers have of me couldnt get much worse.  i already know what they think of me since i stopped attending their HOLY institution and became "of this evil world". im the one who went astray. the horrible godless girl who smokes the reefer. *GASP!* i could go on but at the risk of digressing i will save it for a later time(a later blog.)

                     *ANYWHO*

i feel that living in this area, being surrounded by the people this area has produced, is damaging to my soul, to my health, to my sanity. Lately i have been overwhelmed with the feeling that i truly do not belong here. i don't "fit in", not that i want to. I know there is much more than this out there and i realize more than ever that i'll be damned if i don't explore it. i've had a taste here and there of something better whenever i visit other states, even before i was moved to this dump, and i want very badly for it to be permanent.  surely "my people" are somewhere, if not in any of the 50 states then perhaps they're in another country altogether. i just know i cant be the only person like me. there are people who would "get" me and be on the same page.

I'm going to say there is something in the water that makes everyone around here a self absorbed cunt. No one seems to understand the meaning of loyalty, or what it means to make plans, how to see things from different perspectives, how to communicate, hell, how to be a decent person let alone a decent friend. everyone i've tried to let in has screwed me over in one way or the other.  This area is even changing me. it's making me colder, more angry, more apathetic towards humankind. realizing that no matter how nice i am or how much i might try to avoid conflict its going to happen anyway or im going to get walked over, i say fuck it. im turning over a new leaf where i begin to look out for number 1, myself and myself only. im going reserve myself the right to be selfish, because i don't owe anyone around here anything. I feel like shutting everyone else out completely and implementing the actions needed to move somewhere, anywhere that feels like home.

Wish me Luck.